A MarySue Gone Wrong
by Vulture Hopes
Summary: Yes, another Mary-Sue parody. Except this Mary-Sue doesn't exactly love the guy... Rated T for mild language, just to be careful. Slightly OOC, especially Legolas
1. Dead MarySues

**Author's Note: This is my first actually published fan-fic. I've been reading parodies of Mary-Sue fics and I decided to do one myself :)**

**Don't hesitate to criticize, I'm here to get better at writing. Also, don't hate me if I change from American to British english, the Brits at my school are contagious…**

**Warning: May contain severe sarcasm in later chapters**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or any characters you recognize. I also don't own Vogue or God (I wish)**

**Mary-Sue Gone Wrong**

_Mary-Sue walked out of the cinema, a dreamy look in her beautiful blue eyes. Her long black curls fluttered prettily in the wind. She wouldn't be able to forget the handsome Legolas from the movie she'd just seen. And she'd thought _The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers_ would be lame. Instead it turned out to be perfect. Not paying attention to her surroundings, she walked onto the road. The last thing she heard before passing out was the squealing of fangirls- errrr…_ brakes…

_She woke up in a forest, under a huge moss-covered tree, water dripping onto her face. Sitting up, she saw something that made her jaw drop. There, sitting on a _gorgeous_ white stallion was Legolas!! Next to him were two men who looked vaguely familiar from the movie, but they didn't matter: Legolas was there!! Barely able to contain her glee she looked deep into his eyes, about to ask for his autograph. He fell in love with her instantly. He was about to propose to her when, to everyone's UTTER dismay, an ent *accidentally* squashed her. The end._

Or so we hoped…

Alecia Fi-Fi Pretty Angel Stardust Cloud Johnson was the usual teenage girl. Well, that's what she said. Actually, she only said it so people wouldn't get jealous of her wealth and beauty. She was rather arrogant about her social status and claimed to have done several modeling gigs for _Vogue_. To tell you the truth, Alecia Fi-Fi Pretty Angel Stardust Cloud Johnson, or Allie for short (and the readers' sake), was not a normal teenager because she was a spoiled brat.

One day she and her friend Sarah went to the movies to see _The Lord of the Rings: The __Two__Towers__. _The end couldn't have come soon enough. She hated the movie the whole way through. All the men were dirty and probably smelly and none of them looked like they'd even _heard _of shaving. Except What's-His-Name the elf. But he had pointy ears. Why would anyone waste their money to get plastic surgery to look like that? All in all, she considered the afternoon a waste of her precious, _precious_ money. She pulled her brand new cell phone from her pocket and called her chauffeur so that he'd pick her up from the cinema as soon as possible. It looked like it was going to rain and she couldn't live with the thought of her beautiful blond curls getting messy.

"Can you give me a ride home?" asked Sarah. Allie looked at her, shock in her violet eyes.

"Of course…not! He's my private chauffeur for a reason: I don't like sharing." Which was a rather rude thing to say to someone who you considered a friend.

Sarah walked off dejectedly. Allie watched her for a while, smirking. Sadly for both of them, it started raining. And no driver came. Allie stood there for a while before deciding to walk home. After all, she didn't get her _perfect_ body by sitting on her ass all day.

As she started the walk home, lightning flashed across the sky. And it continued flashing for much longer than it normally should be able to. A bolt hit Allie right on the head.

A voice from the sky muttered "Damn! It didn't kill her…"

**AN: I hope you liked!! Further chapters will be up soon**


	2. Poor Fellowship

**Disclaimer: I don't own. If I did, Mary-Sues would be dead on arrival. And thank you Peter Weir for letting me steal that little bit of ****conversation. (If you know what I mean, say so. It's nice to know I'm not the only person who can actually quote the whole movie…)**

**A/N: Yay! Chapter 2**

**Thank you ****RiverOtter1**** for the suggestions ; )**

**We'll get to know more about Allie in Chapter 3 (i.e., her background, just how Mary-Sue-ish she is, etc.). It might not be up for a while because I have to start school next week *cries***

Legolas lifted his head and scanned the horizon (**AN: doesn't he ever get bored of doing that??**).

"The breeze whispers of rain," he informed the other two.

"I suppose the clouds are also a big hint, eh?" said Gimli, grinning broadly.

"Yes, those too," sighed the elf, dropping his 'mysterious' pose.

Aragorn just shook his head and laughed.

"We should head for cover," he said after a moment. The others looked at him. It was a rather stupid thing to say when you're on an endless plain, like they were now. Gimli was about to criticize, when it started raining.

"Well at least I was right about the rain…"said Legolas hesitantly. It took his companions a while to recover from the shock. Gimli was first to react.

"Who, in this world or the next, could _not_ have figured that out?"

Legolas just shrugged. "I was trying to be optimistic."

Gimli looked like the elf had slapped him. "Then who in all the blazes can be optimistic in this bloody weather??"

Before Aragorn could volunteer an answer, a bolt of lightning hit the ground a few meters away. They were all thrown back from the force of the charge. Dirt, rock, and members of the fellowship scattered everywhere. A perfect crater was left where a few moments before there had been a bush. Shaking their heads and coughing from the dust, the…men (??) looked around. To their surprise, lying at a short distance was a girl of about sixteen.

She had long blond curls and a nice back, though that was all they could see because she was lying face down in mud. She lifted her head groggily and murmured something.

Gimli snickered. "She looks like the mud-monsters my mum-", he shut up quickly. Most people did when they saw Aragorn's death glare.

Meanwhile, the girl had started to move. They noticed she was wearing strange clothes and Legolas wondered briefly if she was some sort of demon. As if trying to prove him right, the "girl" reached for the place where most people kept their weapons. They tensed. She looked for something in a pocket. They raised their preferred murder instruments. She pulled a round thing out. A small click was heard. The elf tensed his bow. He didn't think "she" had noticed them yet, which was bizarre. Even bizarrer (**AN: Is that even a word?**) was the fact that she was looking at herself in a mirror. They all breathed a sigh of relief. They had been expecting worst. They hadn't, however, been expecting what happened next. A few seconds later, their eardrums exploded.

------------------------------

Allie felt herself fall with a thump. She lifted her head a bit and waited for everything to have stopped spinning. And then, unaware of how totally cliché it was, she muttered something that sounded vaguely like "Where am I?"

She sat up slowly and reached into her pocket for her mirror. Opening it with a flick, she looked into it. And screamed, louder than she'd ever screamed before. Her _face_ was covered in _mud_!!! She was _dirty_!!(***gasp***)She suddenly became aware of the fact that there were three people around her, bending over and covering their ears. From her vantage point they looked like a man, a woman, and a child.

"Who the hell are you?" she asked rather rudely. They all turned to look at her. The child seemed to have a beard. _Maybe it's actually a midget_, she thought vaguely._ And maybe that woman is…not a woman? _In any case, the three people looked familiar. The maybe-a-woman-but-maybe-not looked at her strangely.

"You mean you don't know who we are?" he asked cautiously.

"Uhhh…no? Am I supposed to?

"Technically, yes."

"You are the one who needs to know who I am," she retorted, flicking her curls back.

"Who are _you _then?" asked the bearded child.

"I," she started, standing up to her full height and looking around haughtily. "I am Alecia Fi-Fi Pretty Angel Stardust Cloud Johnson, and my father is Dan Johnson, president of the biggest petrol and car company in the world."

"What's _petrol_?" asked maybe-a-woman-but-maybe-not.

"What's _car_?" asked the bearded-kid.

"_Alecia Fi-Fi Pretty Angel Stardust Cloud Johnson???_" asked the only one who looked normal, if rather smelly.

She had a really simple answer to each of their questions.

"Gits." Thinking it over she added "You can call me Allie though. _Princess _Allie. And you'll be my slaves. Now, tell me who you are!" **[1] **

Maybe-a-woman-but-maybe-not stepped forward and bowed.

"I am Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood. At your service…my Lady." His voice was soft and melodious and it annoyed Allie immensely. At least she knew it was a guy. Bearded-kid was up. He simply nodded at her.

"Gimli, son of Glóin."

The normal looking one just looked at her. She glared back until he gave in.

"I'm Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and heir to the throne of Gondor."

"Heir, you say?" she said suddenly interested. She was about to flash him her most impressive, pearly-white smile, when she remembered she was covered in mud. "Take me somewhere where I can wash myself."

---------------------------------------

"The little b-errr…_witch_!!" said Legolas crossly, in elvish. "She's rude, stuck up, bossy, and she thinks you're better than me. I'm an heir too!!!" he whined.

"I don't care about _that_," Aragorn answered. "But how long is she going to take to wash her face?!"

"I don't know what you two are saying but I'm pretty sure I agree," muttered Gimli. "She told me to shave my beard off!"

The other two were about to tell him about what she'd said to them, when *Princess* Allie appeared. She had, as previously mentioned, long curly blond hair, that came about half way down her back. Her face was, well, perfect, though not beautiful. She looked too arrogant. She was tall and thin and her chest, though generous, looked weird (*cough*fake*cough*). The same went for her skin color. It was _orange_.

"What are you staring at?" she said, murder in her violet eyes. "Ohhh…You're looking at me 'cause I'm beautiful right?" They decided not to argue and nodded. She squealed. Legolas clamped his hands over his ears, just in case.

Aragorn spoke up.

"My dear lady," he bowed humbly and continued, "I am afraid we have a quest of utmost importance, and cannot take you with us. We are, however, very happy to give you supplies and point out the way to nearest civilisation."

"No."

"What do you mean 'no'?"

She smiled. "No."

**[1]**** This whole scene is funnier if you remember that her face is covered in mud**

**A/N: Hope you liked it!! Please review: knowing how to improve makes it easier to do so. And it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside when I see people like what I write, so I'm more likely to write. In ****brief: more nice reviews, more writing. More bad reviews, more and BETTER writing. There's just no stopping me…**


	3. Ponies!

**A/N: Sorry for the short chapter. ****I've been busy and I have a writer's block. Thank you anyway to RiverOtter11 and DawnFire for your nice reviews ******

**They make me happy…**

**Disclaimer: I don't own. Shame really.**

Allie woke up fluttering her eyelashes prettily. Or so she thought. The others figured she had something in her eye. She felt good about herself. Those three asses were in her power. Or, as she liked to put it, "charmed into submission by the spell of her beauty". (*choke*)

Two days had passed since she'd met the three, and since, she'd found out a few things about them. Aragorn didn't want to be king.

_"For the last time, I'm NOT GOING TO BE KING!!" he shouted at her, spittle flying everywhere._

_"But why not?? Do you have an older brother? Because _that _can be taken care of easily."_

_"I…DON'T…WANT…TO…BE…KING! AND I WON'T MARRY YOU!!! ARGH!"_

_She hadn't spoken to him since._

Gimli was rich. Though not as rich as her, _duh. _Too bad he was short.

_"I bet my daddy is WAAAAAAY richer than all yours put together," she said, testing their love for her. She was expecting a nice answer. Instead, Aragorn rolled his eyes, Legolas just muttered something like "sure, whatever", and Gimli had stared at her._

_"Lass, I have no idea what your 'daddy' does, but I'll let you know that my good father has several items of great value. We dwarves don't mine for nothing, you know!"_

_"You're a _dwarf_? You're _rich_? Why don't you have expensive clothes, and a nice car, and have people carry you, and a computer, and a phone, and…and…"_

_She shut up when she realised they had no idea what she was talking about. She sighed. Such ignorance._

And Legolas was a prince.

_" You know, my Lady, I'm also going to inherit a large kingdom."_

_"Oh. Nice."_

_"Don't you care?"_

_"Nah. Your ears are weird. And your voice."_

_He looked dumbstruck._

_"You don't actually care about what she thinks, do you?" said Strider in elvish._

_"No. But she still thinks you're better than me!"_

_"You're wrong," said Gimli all of a sudden. The other two looked at him in confusion. "Your kingdom isn't that great for two reasons. One, all your subjects are leaving for the Undying Lands. Two, the few who remain are all elves."_

_Legolas nearly killed him. Nearly. And he only didn't do so because Allie intervened._

_"Don't kill him! He's rich!"_

And…There was something else…Oh yeah, they were all nutcases from that movie she'd seen.

_"Y'know, you guys look familiar."_

_"Yeah, we're your worst nightmare. FEAR US!!!!" Aragorn had been acting rather odd._

_"No, I've definitely seen you somewhere real,"_

_"Uhh..here?"_

_"No… Oh YEAH!!! You were in that boring movie!"_

_"I have no idea what a movie is, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't boring. Not if I was in it."_

_"Is this some kind of hidden camera show??"_

All in all, Allie was proving to be a pain in the ***. She forced them to stop at night to rest, she got the biggest ration of food, they had to constantly wait for her while she checked her hair, refused to run, and she _wouldn't shut up_. They had explained to her over and over again that she had to hurry up, that they had someone to rescue, but to no avail. She remained obstinate throughout the whole trip. And abandoning her was out of the question. They were annoyed. Not heartless.

Then they met the Rohirrim. Of course, Allie had no idea who they were. She just saw a lot of horses and stinky men. And they were pointing weapons at her. How rude.

"I'm Princess Alecia Fi-Fi Pretty Angel Stardust Cloud Johnson, and these are…" she furrowed her brow, "Something, What's-it, and I-Don't Remember. I demand you leave us alone!" Aragorn clapped his hand over her mouth and spoke.

"Ignore her," he said darkly.

She heard them all talking about something. She didn't listen. She wriggled out of Aragorn's grip.

"I'm tired!" she whined. Aragorn closed his eyes.

"Ignore her," he muttered again to a guy with hair on his helmet. They talked some more. She noticed the men part and two horses were brought.

"Ooooooooooooooh! Ponies! I want one."

"I'm sorry my Lady. We only have two to spare," said the weird guy they'd been talking to. His name was weird. Something like Erom? Emor? Omer? Éomer!! That was it!

"I WANT a PONY!! NOW!"

"Look, she's a maniac. Can you take her away please?" asked Legolas.

"Why would we want a maniac with us? She's your burden, not ours."

"Shit."

"Legolas! Language!" said Gimli, shocked.

"Where did you find her, anyway?" continued Éomer.

"She fell out of the sky. I'm pretty sure she's some kind of demon."

"I thought elves didn't believe in demons," he said, raising his eyebrows.

"We do now."

After a few moments of arguing with Allie about the horses, seating arrangements were made. Legolas and Aragorn would each have their own horse and Gimli and the girl were to ride behind them. Every half an hour, they would switch places. That way, no-one had to endure her for too long. They flipped a coin to see who would get who first.

"No matter what I do, I lose," groaned Legolas. "If I'm reeeeeeeally unlucky, I get Allie. If I'm just unlucky, I get Gimli."

**A/N: Once again, sorry for the short and kinda crap chapter. It's the best I can do. The only thing I can think is that I have to go to school. **

**Please review! Reviews make me feel warm and fuzzy inside…**


	4. Money, Money, Money, Must Be Funny

**A/N: IMPORTANT: My muse has left me, I'm busy, this story isn't really going anywhere, not from my point of view anyway, and I'm really forcing the plot, which is never a good idea. ****Maybe, if you can find me some inspiration…*gives puppy eyes*. This story is on hold until I figure out what to do with it. Please, please, please, PLEASE help me with that.**

**Disclaimer: For once, I own everything. Creepy, huh?**

**And now, without further ado, the chapter I have posted to make it up to you, and hopefully entertain you until I get some ideas**

While all these events happened on Middle Earth, a man on Plain-Old-Ordinary-Earth was distressed beyond belief. He was sitting at an expensive desk, in an expensive house, thinking expensive thoughts. Everything, from the filament in the light bulbs, to the dust bunnies under the couch were probably worth an ordinary person's wages for the next year. But all the money around him was not enough. His greatest treasure was gone. OK, maybe not his greatest… _but definitely in the top twenty_.

He closed his eyes as he thought of his missing daughter, remembering all the money he'd spent on her. He sighed. She'd probably been kidnapped. The missing chauffeur was being interviewed, he had his personal bodyguards 'visiting' the friend she'd last been seen with… And still not a clue to be found. What surprised him was the lack of a ransom note. _Ahhh, my little Allie, where are you? _he thought sadly.

He still remembered how he'd named her:

Alecia because his wife at the time had insisted *coughbitchcough*.

Fi-Fi gave it an –how to put it- _aire français._

Pretty would describe her perfectly

Angel, another perfect description

Stardust was expensive, and so…

Cloud made him sound eco-friendly

and Johnson was the name of his multi-billionaire, international company. And his.

But Mr. Johnson (because that's who he was, in case you didn't realise) had a huge dilemma. The ransom that was soon to be demanded would probably involve a lot of money, and he hated to spend it. And yet, what would he do about his daughter? He couldn't just forget her. But he couldn't just abandon his money either.

In the end, he decided to pay to get Allie back. After all if the police found out, he'd lose even more money bailing out of jail. After all, wasn't there some law-thingy about taking care of kids?

**Good-bye : (Once again, the hold is only temporary, until my muse comes back, I tackle her, or you drag her to me. **


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